"Cheated after three days of getting together with someone
Ok, I know the title sounds bad, but I need some help.
I got with someone four months ago. We have pretty much been living together since then. We are very very serious about each other and have fallen in love very quickly. Lets call him 'Stephen'.
Stephen knows that one of his good friends, James, flirted with me frequently for a couple of weeks (prior to Stephen and I getting together).
(I swear I don't usually behave like this: I had only kissed 3 people before then and had sex with a long term boyfriend before Stephen)
Let me explain what happened in chronological order:
I had just gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship, so I was very happy with being free to be my own person. Therefore, I wasn't really interested in getting into the dating scene. When I hardly knew him, Stephen told me that I was very pretty and that he thought I was 'nice'. I told him that I was "going to be honest" with him. I told him: "I'm sorry, but I am liking being single at the moment, and I just want to let you know that because I don't want to string you along and have you feel like I'm playing mind games." I honestly meant it.
A few weeks later, one of my best friends (James) started flirting with me. I didn't mind because we got along well and we both had no intention of getting into a relationship, or going ANY further with the casual flirting. I also TOLD James that we should not do anything more than flirt. He agreed.
In this time, Stephen and I got to know each other pretty well (I was basically living at their flat because we hung out alot). I also had the feeling that Stephen was growing very keen on me.
Maybe two weeks after James started flirting, Stephen asked me if I could do him a friend-favour and go to the movies with him (he didn't want to go solely with James). He works a very hard job, so he said he wanted to 'chill out' on Friday night. So I said 'O.K.' and we went and saw a movie. In the theatres he touched my hand and held it for the rest of the movie and ran his finger across my palm. I knew he was keen on me then. I wasn't sure what to do.
So basically we went back to mine, and he came inside, and we sat on my sofa watching awful 1am shows on TV. And I expected him to get up and tell me he was heading of. But then he kissed me. And we kissed on the couch and then he took some of my clothes off etc etc.
To be honest, I had no idea what to do. I knew I didn't want to have sex because:
A: James was flirting with me casually and I thought Stephen wouldn't like that.
B: I wasn't sure if I wanted to let someone get that intimate with me when I only knew them as a friend.
But a "hold up a sec" couldn't escape my lips. The last time I had said 'no to someone they didn't stop. And though, I thought Stephen would, I was terrified about how mad he would be if I said "maybe we shouldn't have sex; I'm not sure about this".
In order to prevent that guilt and fear, I let him kiss and touch me. We kissed for ages (AGES) and I expected him to realize I didn't want to go much further (I still had my pants and undies on). I was waiting for him so stop and say "sweet, thanks for the night, I'll see you later :)".
He didn't, so I said: "its going to be dark driving home so late". He didn't figure it out. So finally I said "you can stay here tonight if you really wanted, I have two single beds in my room.
But we got to the room and he undressed me and himself and you can guess what happened next.
He left when I left for work the next morning.
I didn't know what the night meant to him. I remember him telling me that he thought I was hot, etc. So I made the assumption that it was more of a physical/sexual-gratification thing for him. He's a very hard person to get to know.
Anyway, James was out of the flat for the rest of the weekend so he asked me to come over and we continued from where we left off for the majority of the weekend. I enjoyed it, but I still assumed he mainly wanted the sex.
James came back and Stephen and him had a boy's night with all their mates (I was invited). Stephen was subtly stroking the side of my hand at some points of the night but I didn't know what to think about it.
James promised me that he would show me the university we go to (but at night) he said it looked awesome, so we should make a trip. It is not unusual for James to suggest trips to places, so it does not mean that he wants to flirt, he just wanted some bro-time with me (even though I'm a girl obviously).
To cut a long story short, he took me to the university and kissed and fingered me and then asked me to whack him off.
I didn't want to do any of it. I had told him before that I didn't want to do anything more than casual flirting (and I was going to tell him to stop because Stephen seemed to like me more than something sexual). But I felt like he would be furious if I told him about Stephen at the time. And Furious about the fact that he had been flirting with me before Stephen and I went to the movies. So I let him do it and I gave him what I wanted.
But, after getting to know Stephen, I have found out that he actually had wanted to be with me for a long time. And that he liked me a lot on that Friday night.
We have now been together and living together for a while and we are very serious about each other. We work so well together. He's nearly thirty and he reckons that he could be with me for the rest of his life he likes me so much (he has never felt that way about someone before). Me neither, and I feel the same as he does.
James is completely over me, he knows that I'm with Stephen now and thought it was 'awesome' and that he's "happy for me". He thinks that the University-thing happened BEFORE Stephen and I got together.
But I feel so guilty about James. I should have said 'no' because I didn't want it and because I wasn't sure what Stephen wanted from me at the time.
Should I tell Stephen?
Factors to consider:
- He has been cheated on by a long-term girlfriend before. She left him for someone else and it still hurts him. This revelation will hurt him even more: he never felt about her like he feels about me.
- He is extremely against cheating and not revealing the truth/telling lies.
- He had a big problem with the fact that James had flirted with me (he doesn't trust James any more and sometimes doesn't trust our friendship).
- He has a big aversion to the thought of other men touching me in the future (he would love it if it was only him).
- He doesn't know that I have quite big issues around saying 'no' to sex when someone is actively trying to have sex with me. (I have been sexually abused) Or the emotional abuse in my previous relationship that I received from my partner, especially whenever I told him I "didn't really feel like sex". So I would let him have his way with me to avoid feeling awful about myself as a person (because he would make me think I was an awful person).
Should I tell SFen?"