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"Why can't I stop after one drink?? I know, I know...I'm an alcoholic, just not daily drinker. I'm an occasional binger. I don't miss it at all when I'm home or at work, I'm just a blackout drunk at any social occasion. It doesn't affect my job, or my home life, because I live alone and always make it to work. I don't drink at all during the week unless I have an outing to go to where I'm expected to socialize, and the anxiety/boredom of socializing gets to me, so I have a drink. Then two, then 5. Then I don't remember. I feel amazing, confident, hilarious, extroverted at first...until I'm not, and suddenly I'm the friend someone needs to drive home and everybody looks sorry for. I normally forget the last part of the night. Fortunately, I'm usually told I was just drunk and hilarious (and mildly annoying), then people felt sorry for me later on (the WORST) but that I didn't say anything bad to anyone. I'm lucky I've never had a DUI, hurt someone physically, been assaulted, or god forbid puked or peed on something, etc., somehow I've always made it home "safe and sound" (uber is my friend), but I have lost phones, jewelry, jackets, my dignity, respect.....oy. I want to move to a new town, but I know that won't fix it. But I feel so humiliated and hung over for days that I can't believe I just go on to do it the next time I go out. So I've stopped going out unless I absolutely have to. And that's my new problem. I have no friends now because I only want to socialize if I can drink, and I'm too terrified to chance it. I'm a complete hermit. Then I went to a wedding last weekend and yep, had to be driven home by a kind friend. I fell "half a dozen times" according to him on the way to the car. I realize how fortunate I was that he got me home, but I wish so bad there was a drug that would cut me off in that optimal confidence/fun phase and not let me into the danger zone. I know it's not possible for me. Abstinence still sounds horrifying to me, but I know this isn't something I can control. Rant over. Just feeling ashamed for doing this *again*, and having to wonder who saw me, what they think of me, hoping they were too drunk to notice or that they thought "you get a pass" to be drunk at weddings." I hate myself, but when I'm in the OBZ (optimal booze zone), I've been told I'm the most charming woman on the planet and everyone wants to get to know me and hang out because I'm "so fun and know how to make people feel good and laugh" with my words. People have actually told me I'm more fun when I drink. Ack. I can't believe I still do this. I don't even drink hard alcohol, but wine/light beer can knock me flat when I'm nervous drinking and it starts tasting like water. Ok, rant over. Just still going through the shame and wondering why I haven't adversely conditioned myself yet. I just don't seem to enjoy any kind of socializing sober. At all. I'm fidgety and uncomfortable. So...maybe there is a pill to like hanging out with normal people so I'll have fun? Ha, kidding. But I wish. Sadface."


Violence,

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