I'm just a POS. No getting around it I’m a Piece of Crap First of all, I...

am a member of a Non-Denominational church and I am a 39 year old woman with 3 grown sons and I was married to their dad for 10 years and remarried 5 years later to my current husband. We have been married for 9 years. Also, I have BIPOLAR! The rapid cycling Bipolar! I hate it! It is basically under control. To start off…I hate myself because I constantly do things and think things that are awful. I attend church and try to read my bible a lot. I pray and ask for strength to overcome my sinful ways. I volunteer with Hospice and I am the one that does all that “Christian” stuff. Everyone says that I am too high on God to ever be angry and people believe I am this wonderful Christian that God shines his light on because they don’t know what goes on in my head. I have no one, except God, to talk to about it because I am too ashamed to ever even tell a counselor or my pastor. I know that I would never tell them… ever. This is no excuse, but I know that it may have something to do with it. I was molested by my father from 7 to 16. I sent him to prison for his crime and I have forgiven him. I have forgiven him, but I still have some issues with s**. I don’t have s** with the lights on or have s** during the day…ever. Even when I had a super nice body I never would and never will. I had s** with a woman when I was 21 or so and my best friend and I kind of touched each other a few years back, but I was so sickened by it that I began to study the bible even more so and went to even more bible study classes to drive the thought out of my head. The problem is that I still have constant dreams/thoughts of me with a woman. I also, sometimes, dream/think about my husband with another man. My husband is nowhere near gay, so the thoughts and dreams are way off base. I also m*********, but I think that is mainly because my husband is not a good lover. He, even after 10 years, can’t give me an o***** orally or otherwise. He is just not any good at it and I have tried to teach him, but he just does not do a good job. I have done a lot of pretending because I don’t want to hurt him. He was nearly 40 when we met and married and had only been with 3 women and he did not get to be with them that much. He is just a super shy man and when we first started dating he was so unsure of himself and I give him a lot of encouragement, but he only last for about 2 minutes. No matter what he can’t last for a very long time. He is too insecure to go to the doctor about it and I have asked him to a few times. Next… I am not normally a thief, but I stole from someone I love a couple of weeks ago and it is eating me alive. The bad thing is I have been constantly thinking of stealing money over the last couple of years. We make good money, so I don’t need to steal. I am not any good at budgeting, we get paid every two weeks, but we are almost always broke by the end of the first week. We live in a mobile home, but we are happy with our house and we are the kind of people that just like to go camping, hiking, biking, and all that kind of stuff. I love to paint and do crafts. We are modest people and neither of us has ever wanted to be attorneys or doctors or anything like that. We are just common and very quiet people and I love it that way. I don’t know what to do about my thoughts and, like I said, I can’t tell a counselor or my pastor. NO WAY! I am tired of having to ask Jesus for forgiveness every day for the same stuff that I promise him I’ll never do again. You know… I beg Jesus to forgive me and say that I will do better and that I will pray more (like I’m supposed to) and that I’ll never miss church anymore, that I’ll volunteer more, and all that stuff, but I always fail. I know… we can’t be perfect, but I just want to be good (Christian kind of good). I can’t let God down again. See, my brother does not believe in God (well, I think he does, but he does not want to bow down to anyone. He is very self-centered). My sister and her family of all grown girls won’t go to church either. They scowl when I bring up Jesus around them. They call me a Jesus freak! I LOVE it! So, I have taken that little insult and have made it my tag line in everything I do. I love being considered a Jesus freak. Anyway, if they all find out about me then they will say they were right. They can’t stand Christians because of those that have been in the media. When I found this site last night I was shocked because I was thinking of creating one just like it because of people like me that need to confess, but can’t do it to a person face to face. I don’t know if this will count as a confession since it is via internet or not. They say it will on this site, but I’m sure you guys have doubted it as well and know where I’m coming from. Thank you for listening and you can comment if you like, but please remember that one sin is equal to the other no matter what it is… God bless you and my God forgive us BT

By Anonymous on General,