"when I was 6 or 7 I would have fucked bugsy if I had been given half the chance to but my mother never allowed me to be around him much or my male much much much older cousins. I always had a crush on 2 of my male cousins, 1 was a first male cousin, we did sexual things, well he did to me when I was 3, but my 2nd cousin patrick is a millionaire and lives in a winery I like his wife and I would never tell that I had feelings for him. we used to hang out as kids and spend xmas together and get up to some fun but never sexual. the one of the best nights of my life was sleeping next to my male much much much older cousin and his mate when I was 6 and they were near 20. my mother would die if she knew but there was nothing sexual that night. one of my sisters boyfriends used to cuddle up to me all 4 of us, my sister her boyfriend and her best friend and me, we were all of 11 and my sister was 16 and her boyfriend was 18 but that night he was touching and caressing my arms and back and he knew it was me and not my sister, lets just put it that way. I spent a threesome night with will and michelle. I was seriously worried the two of them would go off and have a fuck in the bathroom that night. we didn't do a thing sexual. he just let us sleep in his hotel room and bought us breakfast and his company paid for it all. that was one of the best nights of my life. but I was so shy and unwell. I had a serious period issue then when my periods and blood gases would overload with ammonia. some pathologists at the hospital wanted to do an arterial blood, they need a doctor to do that. I always vomit around my periods for the last 20 years its been bad vomiting that is why I don't drink alcohol anymore. I just rang a nurse I am not feeling good. sometimes I want more love then I get and I am sick of all this bullshit everyone around me is nuts but me. I swear... I feel stupid that I was so shy I didn't know what to do or if I should get his number or what was appropriate in that situation. I only see my older cousins rarely now. I deliberately avoided my aunties funneral to avoid seeing my 2nd cousin and I didn't go to his wedding. no hard feelings, his wife is nice. but the past is best left that way. what can I say, he is so rich and goes to africa a lot. we are worlds apart. I never knew a lot of my older cousins and their kids only the 1. the funny thing was he liked me too. I thought I was so ugly as a teen and he said I was pretty. i thought "you must be nuts mate" the whole time I sat there i was too afraid to even talk to him. he was so good looking but he was a very beautiful baby as well and I had photos of him as a baby I used to keep and when I was 15 I wanted a baby just like him. no one understood. by then bugsy left it too late when he came back he didn't tell me who he was and vicky was the bitch of the piece. vicky did a few of my older male cousins over and a few more I always got on with her ok but i could see there was friction with pat and his brother over her and it was his brother who married her and it was never gonna last, then she moved on to bugsy and I don't know if louise ever knew that. I went to their wedding and I deliberately had nothing to do with bugsy because of him with louise. it took a long time to work it all out with the whole nick/bruce game. so fucking confusing. god knows what they all do these days and the stupid games they play. "