"What do I do1f5c6
I has recently dawned on my why I have been the way I am for so many years.. I was drugged and raped at 17.. The mind has some interesting ways of protecting itself.. It has never allowed itself to ponder the incident.. However all my insecurities have stemmed from this .. My problem is now, I do not know how to continue with my life.. Had I been able to address this years ago, I would most certainly have taken a different direction in life, rather the one which I seem to have chosen, which on reflection seems to have been all about concealing the truth..
I have to say that my mind is in turmoil, I question my beliefs and wonder what it was that I did so bad to have been a victim of that.. This is not something I could come out with so easily as it would disrupt the lives of those I love...
Part of me is now attracted to Transsexuals and has been for some time. However the other part pf me keeps telling me that this is wrong and that I should resists my temptation and live a heterosexual life style... I feel more and more guilty the more I look at Transsexuals as I feel I am dishonoring my children and partner, however this urge sometime manifest itself in ways that I can not control so well.
I am not ashamed of these feelings, but I am scared for my family a what they would think of me should they ever find out..
Being violated is not something that is so easy to deal with.. I can remember the night vividly, one minute I was in the club popping and E like most Saturday nights... The club was called Dungeons on Lea Bridge road... The rest is a blur, however I do recall waking up or coming round on the grass opposite the club with my Trousers and pants around my ankles.. Now I have done some bizarre things whilst on drugs but I can always recollect what I did.. Something I would never have done would have been to have left the club alone, walked over the road to an obscure area and then pulled my Trousers and Pants down...
I almost feel like a slag.. my thoughts recently have been to just suck cock and get fucked my Transsexuals. I have joined Transsexual porn sites and Masturbated over men being fucked by Transsexuals and made a conscious effort watch and not be offended.. I have even thought about swallowing the cum of a Transsexual and acting like a real slut..
This is damaging behavior which I am sure will only result in my having metal health issues..
I can never make myself straight again and for the past 26 years have put so much effort into hiding what happened, even to myself..
I have no idea where to go for help and am beginning to feel a little suicidal ..
There is nothing that can be done now .... "