"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJVI6rMgAJc I am sick of waiting, I wish I had never met a lot of men professionally when I was young and pretty because we were always out of each others league or inner circle. not one of them ever had a change of heart towards me they were doctors and lawyers and really good looking and I was young and naive. for someone who was abused I was so naive but when you have been bashed or hit on the head with car accident I just forgot things I can't help it. I met you a hundred times different faces, careers as a teen and young I was too shy, I held back too much, I had to demonstrate always more restraint then others around me. you were teachers and friends or friends and you were all I ever wanted and never had , never got. you can't know how that feels. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCIjiN4VHXE I sat with you in recording studios when no one else was around and we had fun as a child, I watched you always from afar, I missed you, I walked with you and was so excited that I even had the courage to talk to you or that you would look at me even. I waited and waited, I was pushed with weird men that was just insanity. life is unfair. people kept us apart. I was doomed from the start. its just fate. sometimes I convince myself its a ghost that hate s me and doesn't want me to have love in my life and love has slip away from my heart and soul and body for decades now. I guess women go like that when they don't get enough of what they deserve or need in life. how I hate so many people now. I wish I had never laid eyes on you at university waiting watching craving. it was all a waste of time anyway being born so ugly with ugly red hair and shitty parents never helped and abusive users to ruined my life. I can't take the blame for it all. joyce wanted me childless, job less, useless, loveless, she wanted me with absolutely anyone I didn't want to be with. I made mistakes wanting to believe people were good or nice. I made mistakes wanting to believe in him everytime. I made excuses for you over and over in my head you were just a young doctor you were just a young lawyer starting out or actor or teacher at university too busy I made excuses for all of you and learnt to lie, now I just feel nothing. "