I guess healthcare is overrated For the last 3 days, I've sat alone...

in my apartment. At first I'm tired, and sore after sleeping poorly. As the day goes on my eyes won't open all the way and feel heavy like my eyelids are iron sheets. I eat a bunch of food. My stomach hurts. I watch movies. I cry a bit. Curled up in bed. I sit around for awhile, Stare at the wall. No thoughts. and suddenly, I'm going to fix everything. It's all going to be ok. – So I google different subjects – for hours. My shoulders hurt. I can fix this. But I'm realizing more and more that I'm not ever going to be rid of this. A few months ago I saw my doctor about getting help with these mood swings. This has been going on for years now. For a few days I'm fine, then a week later I feel like I'm on ecstasy- I can do anything and I'm THE best. I spend money I can't afford to spend- I make crazy unobtainable plans for getting in shape and getting this all under control. That lasts maybe 4 days, 5 tops. Then I nose dive into the bitchiest, angriest, most pessimistic person you've ever met. I eat everything; an entire pizza, plus a liter of soda and chips and dip and chocolate and white cheddar popcorn. I feel satisfied afterward, but disgusting. I get on the treadmill, I take a shower. I feel a little better- slowly the cycle starts back up and I'm climbing that rollercoaster again. That's not normal, right? Doctor tells me "Well, It does sound like you might be bipolar, but let's try birth control to see if it balances out your hormones- that could be the problem" (-_- She says this because I mentioned that sometimes the mood swings coincide with PMS symptoms) I take the birth control for ~2.5 months, things only get worse. On top of everything else the birth control makes me feel like I'm in a fog and very fatigued. I start taking it at night instead, hoping to sleep through the symptoms but it doesn't help. I try emailing my doctor to ask about other options and she referrers me to her assistant who in turn refers me to the lifestyle and weight management clinic. WTF?! I mean I mentioned I want to lose some weight (like ~40 lbs) but I hardly think that's the main focus here? I scour my healthcare provider's website for mental health doctors. ALL of them require a referral by another doctor or other healthcare persons. I email my doctor again, she doesn't reply for 3 days, so I email again "Did you get my email?". No response so I call the office; she's busy. I email again and this time she finally replies with "You need to make an appointment if you want a quick response. I don't have time to answer every email" I quickly discontinue listing her as my Primary care physician and find a new doctor on the website. New doctor is friendly, and kind. I talk and she listens. She gives me some tests- blood and verbal, and says in her opinion it is likely that I have bipolar disorder or have a personality disorder but I would need to see a psychiatrist to confirm. I ask about my options. She refers me to mental health services dept. I call the number. They ask my symptoms. I explain, including an episode where I yelled at my boss the week before (thankfully I wasn't fired) and SHE LAUGHED AT ME (wtf…) she rattles off information about group therapy and a new referral to a different doctor's office but says she must go because she has another appointment but that my appointment is scheduled for about 3 months away. I will not be able to see a psychiatrist for nearly 3 months. WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING Let's just say that I snap, right? Go totally bonkers and lose my job, my apartment etc. How in the hell would I ever be able to do ANY of this and keep any of it straight if I go totally off the rails? It happens all the time– Someone is barley managing their symptoms until one day they break and hurt someone or something. How would a schizophrenic person do any of this? Would they have to hurt someone or damage property to get proper healthcare??? What magic words do I need to say to get help? Avada kedavra??? Do have to be suicidal to get their attention? (I'm not, by the way.) I mean, ok, I'm not dying. I don't have a terminal illness. But doesn't *quality* of life count for anything? I haven't gone on a date in 7 years. I have only a handful of distant friends. My family likes me ok but we fundamentally disagree on 95% of our world views. And yes, I will eventually get to speak with the psychiatrist. But what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Hope things will go ok? I mean ffs. I'm just saying how the !@#$ are people who have mental illnesses supposed to jump through all these hoops when the only thing I want is to feel better? ugh… idk… halp…

By Anonymous on General,